Missing My Dad

It has been nearly seven months since my father passed away. Today I’m combining excerpts from a few previous fatherhood posts as a tribute to Dad on this Father’s Day 2013.

My Dad remains a source of love and inspiration. Over 58 years he taught me many valuable and enduring life lessons. Let me name a few that are especially important.

First, Dad taught me how to be vulnerable; or rather he modeled it for me. Early in my life I learned that it’s okay for a man to show emotion in private and in public. Tears shed in an unassuming way are a wonderful gift. I learned that being strong isn’t measured by how stoic and brave one can be but rather by the depth of one’s love and capacity to empathize with others.

Lesson two is being content with what you have. I’m sure that Dad often wished he could have accomplished and accumulated more yet he never seemed discouraged by his circumstances. While our family income was limited, I never felt deprived or in want of anything. Dad didn’t complain about the material things in life. I have long ago exceeded his annual salary, the size of his largest house, and how much money he had in his retirement account. None of that is important if I can simply live with contentment like he did.

Finally, there is the faith factor, Dad’s most important life lesson. Knowing that your father is praying for you, watching him lead our family devotional time, and sitting next to him in church while he sang hymns of the faith has left a deep and lasting impression. My own faith commitment and interest in serving at my church is fueled by those images and experiences. Knowing I am loved and accepted by a Heavenly Father is Dad’s legacy to me and to our family.

I sometimes wonder what legacy I am leaving for my son to learn from and pass on. When Rembrandt painted his famous interpretation of the biblical story depicting the return of a prodigal son he placed the father in the physical center of the painting. It was his attempt to focus attention on the important role of the father in this story of greed, selfishness, and rebellion by a younger son. Many of us who know this story long to be loved and forgiven the way this son was, even after he had squandered the father’s inheritance and lived a wild and raucous lifestyle. Others prefer to jealously resent the attention given to a sibling and angrily denounce our father for not appreciating our loyalty.

But who wants to be the father, or should I say, like this father? Here is a man who grieved the pain his wayward son caused him, who shed tears in his absence, who never lost hope that he might someday return home. Our legacy as fathers is to model compassion, to prepare our hearts to receive our children wherever their journeys may take them, and forgive them from the heart. The forgiveness modeled by this father was unconditional - no apologies were needed, no excuses offered. The father isn’t looking for some indication that his son now realizes his mistake and is admitting to his dad “You were right after all.” Instead the father is generous - generous by giving his departing son what he asks for, generous in offering a welcome home celebration upon his return, and even generous with his resentful eldest son.

It’s humbling to consider offering a similar legacy to my son. There is a certain level of emptiness when our children, regardless of age, disappoint us. It is hard to be at home waiting for them to find their way. Yet fathers (and mothers) must model compassion in our grief, forgiveness in our disappointment, and generosity that is extended without strings attached. When we behave in this way our sons and daughters will have a legacy of love to sustain them and to pass on. Thanks, Dad, for the memories and legacy lessons you shared with me!

A Life Story

Leaders emerge in every area of life. Some are more imposing, others quite humble. This past week one of my dear friends and mentors passed away at the age of 90 and I have dedicated this week’s post in his memory. This tribute was shared at his memorial service today (June 9, 2013). I hope it will inspire and encourage you.

Each of us is shaped by the DNA we inherited from our parents and by the life experiences we encounter along life’s journey. In Abe Alderfer’s case his strong work ethic seems firmly linked to both these influences. His dad was an early riser and hustled about their dairy farm to get the work done. Abe was usually awake each day around 4:30 AM and, even in his later years, had an insatiable urge to get things done. All this in spite of the fact that his body didn’t always want to cooperate.

I never had the pleasure of seeing Abe in action on the farm or while he worked with the Franconia Township road crew.
But, I do recall his physical toughness during my trips to the lumber yard at Snyder’s in Hatfield or working along side him at a Salford work day. I marveled at how much strength emanated from such a tall, lean frame. Anyone who shook Abe’s hand knows what I am talking about.

Abe and Marian’s home occupies a portion of their former dairy farm. It is graced with some magnificent trees and a spacious lawn that both of them took great pride in keeping mowed and leaf-free. In spite of health limitations these past few years Abe still enjoyed taking his turn riding the mower, trimming, and sweeping those ever-present leaves.

For a number of years Abe and Marian served our church as custodians and Abe would spend hours trimming in the cemetery, regardless of the heat. George Gaugler will likely tell you that no one trims as well as Abe did. They both loved this work and served with dedication and joy.

Even after giving it up, they could be found most Sunday mornings enjoying one of Sandy Wampole’s sweet treats and a cup of coffee with the custodians and sound technicians who gather early. Then it was off to their favorite pew so Abe could enjoy the pre-service music.

I’m not sure how many of us can say with conviction that they “love to go to church” but that was true of Abe. He genuinely looked forward to every service and opportunity to attend Sunday school class. His “amens” could be heard after an especially inspiring message or testimony. One of the things I will miss most as his teacher is the absence of that distinctive Pennsylvania Dutch accent when I solicit volunteers to read the scripture text. Abe always loved to participate in this way and I enjoyed listening. How do you replace that gift?

Abe and I share a love for good coffee, an appreciation for scripture, and a passion for hard work. He has been a constant source of encouragement and modeled love and commitment as a devoted husband for 67 years. Melody and I enjoyed numerous visits in their home and at Grand View Hospital when Abe would have one of his frequent bouts with pneumonia. Our final visit took place this past Sunday evening when his most recent trip there became his last.

For nearly 91 years the rhythms of faith, family, and work combined to govern the life we remember tonight. I am grateful for Abe’s friendship and humbled by the family’s invitation to share in this service. These words from Matthew 25 offer a fitting tribute to Abe: “Well done, thou good and faithful servant... enter into the joy of your master.”

Surprising Service

This past Friday my wife and I paid a visit to the Social Security Administration office in Allentown on a mission to navigate the final phase of a bureaucratic problem with her social security card. We had discovered a day earlier that none of their account records reflected her married name (even though she had a printed card with the correct number and name in her possession). Neither of us were very optimistic as we entered the building clutching a name change application and original marriage certificate from nearly 39 years ago.

It’s ironic that civil service (the term used to describe public employees) is usually anything but what you receive at the hands of government workers. My initial impression as we surveyed the foyer was “this could be a long wait.” An array of official warning signs were posted on the doors and walls. Apparently it’s a federal offense to do almost anything in a public building that we, the taxpayers, have funded. Hardly a welcoming sight for visitors.

There were the expected rows of plastic chairs and a seated security guard asking everyone if they were carrying a weapon. I hoped no one in line was lying because he did nothing to verify anyone was unarmed. We took our place in the queue, hoping the four visible windows were all occupied by staff and that our turn in line would come quickly. Sure enough, we were soon perched at the yellow line on the floor waiting to be called to the check-in window.

Our first encounter was the level of service we were expecting—a perfunctory greeting, an obligatory inquiry about the reason for our visit, and a printed ticket with our “wait number”. There was no friendly invitation to have a seat but we found the plastic chairs and settled in wondering what might be next.

The surprising service happened a few minutes later when our ticket number was called and we found ourselves standing in front of a window framing the person who held the fate of our request in his hands. As my wife explained her situation, the young man frowned in disbelief but immediately set about asking a few confirmation questions and verifying her account. Then he graciously began handling the necessary paperwork and other steps to correct the situation.

In a few minutes a temporary card was in our hands and he assured us a permanent replacement would be mailed within two weeks. Although I don’t remember a formal apology, he did everything he could to reassure my wife that her funds would not be affected by this change and that the records now reflected what her old card said—she is actually married to me. We left relieved and amazed that this unexpected incursion into our weekend travel plans had only taken about ten minutes of our time.

As is often the case with surprising customer service, the employee’s name is soon forgotten. Yet, here I am nearly 36 hours later recounting the story and still feeling good about our encounter. I hope this young man doesn’t lose his ability to please the customer in a workplace culture that didn’t seem to support his approach. It would be nice to return a few years from now knowing that “civil” service is actually what everyone in the office now delivers.

Unaccountable

Watching officials from the Internal Revenue Service carefully parse their answers, or plead the Fifth, during testimony before Congress was a lesson in leadership arrogance and unaccountability. I wondered if they realized it was their “bosses” who were sitting across the room asking those tough questions. If I had behaved in a similar fashion with any of my supervisors over these past 40 years I’m pretty sure I would have been fired, or at the very least, reprimanded.

Regardless of who did what or knew what, as the leader of an organization, accountability begins and ends with you. You can’t simply announce to the world, “I did nothing wrong” and then hide behind the Fifth amendment. Yet, here were top government bureaucrats denying any responsibility for what happened under their watch.

How does an organizational culture become so arrogant that it lacks accountability in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary? What happens to the employees who labor daily in such an environment? Where do leaders gain a sense of entitlement and the power to wield fear and control on a daily basis? Can anyone trust a company or government who operates in this way?

Most businesses who choose the route of being unaccountable for their actions with customers and vendors will soon find their store, factory, or restaurant empty and bankrupt. Being accountable, especially when mistakes are made, is the only way to show clients that they matter. 

If the IRS fails to change its culture and refuses to hold employees and leadership accountable for their exploits, then it is unlikely any American will trust their actions in the future. Whether you agree with paying taxes or not, it would be sad to know that the agency entrusted with collecting those revenues and enforcing existing codes can operate with impunity. In this case, being unaccountable has devastating consequences.

Birds of a Feather

A recent Harvard Business Review article revealed some interesting research about the perceived power of influence. While marketers spend millions to tap this power of influence among early adopters of their products or services, there is growing evidence that the money they spend may have little or no impact. It seems as though confounding factors that mimic social influence may account for how many of us behave when a new iPhone or other “must have” item hits the market.

The article’s author recalls a common saying that some of you will recognize, “Birds of a feather flock together” and uses it to illustrate how many of our preferences, like much of human behavior, is clustered among friends and in time. While marketers are interpreting our propensity to watch the same TV show or eat at the same restaurant as influence, it may have little or nothing to do with it.

This revelation got me wondering about the influence leaders seem to hold on others at times and what might drive that perceived power. In recent years political parties have increasingly turned to social media as a means of peer-to-peer influence in support of a particular candidate or public policy. This strategy is often accompanied by an expensive and expansive media ad campaign. Do these approaches actually carry influence or would party loyalists support their candidate in spite of these external factors?

Business leaders often seem to ignore the value of alignment when they propose new initiatives. Without clarity, dialogue, and inspiration their best laid plans will likely come up short. The “birds of a feather” mentality so inherent in workplace cultures often stymies any concerted effort to implement change. In this case, a leader can actually exert meaningful influence by being a better communicator.

The study revealed an interesting result when generous and fair incentives were included in friend-to-friend referrals. If the giver could include a discount for the other person, or share a discount with them, their willingness to refer or recommend increased. Perhaps leaders in business would do well to remember that benefits and generosity may wield more influence than the “big stick” so many seem to prefer.

Candid Conversations

This past week three State Department officials testified under oath before a House committee about what they knew and observed regarding Benghazi, a story that has mostly been used as political grist since the incident took place on September 11 and 12 of last year. Their accounts seemed credible and apolitical. That’s what made them so compelling.

In today’s instant news cycle world, where a Twitter or Facebook post can transform how information is received and perceived, leaders are better off telling the truth before it finds its way into the blogosphere. As the facts about Benghazi emerge the lesson is clear - stonewalling, spinning, and distorting don’t serve leaders well.

Many managers operate on a need-to-know basis, willing to shield direct reports and colleagues from access to timely information. Others try hard to suppress negative news in the interest of employee morale or out of loyalty to the company. None of these practices result in the hoped for outcomes they promote.

By only making Benghazi about politics, those in leadership who had authority to act now seem small and incompetent. Organizational leaders who lack transparency with those they serve do nothing to build trust or command their respect. Even worse, they encourage those same persons to withhold the truth and that can have devastating results.

The old style suggestion boxes that encouraged employees to anonymously submit their feedback and ideas never captured anyone’s imagination, and for good reason. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if any employee was able to sign their name to a comment form or speak truthfully in a meeting without fear of recrimination? Unleashing information, unless it’s a confidential trade secret, always seems preferable to withholding or distorting the facts.

With all the avenues of communication available in today’s modern workplace the idea that candid conversations can’t occur seems patently absurd. Yet the barriers to honesty remain and until leaders are willing to admit they exist, and model a different approach, there will be more Benghazi stories and less reasons to trust anyone in leadership.

Influential Leadership

Throughout our lives there will always be people trying to exercise some level of authority and influence over us. Parents, for example, begin this process when we are still quite young, and a few never seem to learn when to loosen their grip over the various aspects of our lives they deem as important.

We have probably all encountered the pushy salesperson who ignores our wishes as he or she pressures us to buy a certain model of car or brand of appliance. Too many of us work for leaders whose opinions and perspectives seem to always rule the day. Regardless of how competent these persons are, their ability to engage and inspire us will always be limited.

 Today’s internet and social media driven culture allows anyone who posts a blog or manages a Facebook or Twitter account to instantly use it as a platform to try and influence the rest of us with their arguments. Some never seem to learn that respecting differing viewpoints is one way to actually enhance these efforts.

What might happen if leaders seeking influence were also willing to acknowledge and respect the many disparate ways other persons approach issues? Instead of simply digging in their heels, suppose those same leaders found common ground and praised the salient points presented by their opponents? Imagine if that pushy salesperson mentioned earlier had thoughtfully asked you questions and guided your decision-making by carefully listening to your needs and wants?

In a world where money and power are typically sought as the primary means of influence, it is often the leader who has learned how to respect others' opinions and find ways to work with their opposition that ultimately accomplishes the most. Brute force and arrogant blaming only make leaders look small and selfish.

I have always tried to encourage those who show promise and raw talent, even when their competence is in areas where I am deficient. In the end, I need their engagement and commitment more than holding on to control. Influential leadership isn’t built by assuming those you lead are idiots. It prospers through mutual respect for differing ideas and opinions. I hope you feel free to disagree.